PANTS ON FIRE

"It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what."

- Gregory House MD

The inspiration behind this post is that I've been lied to countless times this month alone. While knowing stuff that people don't want you to know is fun most of the time. Having people you know lie to your face is insulting; 1) they think you're stupid enough to believe that 2) they think you don't deserve the truth.

I'm not saying I have never lied, but lying is the last resort. 

LYING DONTs:

1- Don't lie just for the sake of it. I know someone who have made up so many lies that they get mixed up with reality and their lies.

2- Don't lie to spare someone's feelings. Finding out that you lied hurts their feeling even more.

3- Don't lie to keep a secret. You're better off ignoring a person's questions.

4- Don't lie for someone else. Just say "it's not my secret/story/thing to tell."

5- Don't lie an elaborate lie. All the details will get jumbled up in your head, and it's pretty embarrassing to tell your own story the wrong way.

But, when it comes to other people how do you spot a liar?? Click here!

The truth will set you free... 

How to deal with evil people?

Don't you wish you can say to a person who's being mean to you or anyone else: "You are mean and rude and no one likes you!!!!" ?

Sometimes I wish I could. But I guess that's a contradiction. If you're against rudeness, it's pretty hypocritical to be rude even to rude mean people.

But, would they care? would it affect them somehow? or perhaps change them for the better?

I like to believe that no one is born evil. That there are things in life that makes people become evil, and that deep down everyone is a good person. But that doesn't explain wars, injustice, crime, and plain ol' mean people.

How do we deal with those completely impossible people?

I'm not thinking of someone in particular - I swear! - I just thought about this while watching a movie. So I decided to find some answers. Where? To the one place that knows the answer to life, the universe, and everything... Google!

We've all seen those movies, where one kind person is able to change an evil person back to good. Maybe that doesn't always work, but I guess some of these tips I found on this website could: Think Simple Now - Dealing with difficult people. There 15 tips, but I only chose the ones I think work best, and I included my thoughts on each one.

- Forgive them.
If you think like I do, something really terrible must have happened to them to make this way. Or perhaps that's the way their family communicates with them so that's how they communicate with people. Feel sorry for them, and then forgive them.

- Don't Respond. 
I guess some people think being aggressive and rude equals being a strong person or having a strong personality. I don't think so. I think it takes far more strength, to bite your tongue and not express a mean thought. No matter how much that person deserves it.

- Stop talking about it.
The more you obsess about it, and especially to other people, the more your feelings will grow. I think the best thing is to choose one person who won't judge for talking about it, say all you need to say about that person or incident, and then never talk about it again.

- Choose to Eliminate negative people in your life.
Random mean people are easier to ignore and never to speak of again. Some people you can't eliminate but I guess it is possible to limit your interactions to a hello and a goodbye, especially if they are family members. I think we all have that friend who seems to work so hard to make us feel bad. If that person is always like that in all circumstance, waiting for you to do or say something just to say something in opposition, you should eliminate them immediately. It is never ok to keep in touch with someone who makes you feel bad. However, some people can change. I think you can meet up with them after a while, and give them a second chance if you feel they truly have changed.

- Worst case scenario.
I never tried this before. I think sometimes you don't have a chance to think what's the worst thing that could happened if you did or did not respond to someone. But I definitely think it'll be useful in some situations.

- Pour honey.
This means whenever people "pour poison" on you i.e. say something mean or hurtful, choose to "pour honey" in return i.e. say something nice. I have tried this once. It works! For some people they change and they start being nice too! But it doesn't happen quickly, it takes sometime. However, some people aren't worth being nice to for a very long time. They may continue to spread their negativity, and those people are the ones you should eliminate.


At least that's what I think.

I think everyone probably has their own way of dealing with mean/rude/evil people.

A good piece of advice would be, never stoop to their level! No matter what don't give them the pleasure of being aggressive (or passive aggressive) in return. They've got years of experience, and they probably can do it better than you can.


"Don't try to be different. Just be good. To be good is different enough."  - Arthur Freed

Lessons from my grandmother

My grandmother is one of my role models.

She has taught me many things. The most important of these I learned by observation.

My grandmother is/was a true Emirati bedouin. People of the desert. Unlike my grandfather, who belonged to the sea-faring folk. Later to be called "the civil". She did not always belong. Yet she made the most of her new environment. She adapted, she learned, but still she defines herself as a member of "the people of the desert".


There are many people to this day who belong to the family and the community who don't really like her. From what I've overheard from my mother and aunt, they are rude and despicable. How very civil indeed! (sarcasm intended).


Still. No matter what they say or do. My grandmother is gracious and hospitable. She is kind, and she never responds to their wrongdoings.


Now THAT is inspiring. Something a lot of people strive to achieve but very few actually do. To treat others as you would like to be treated. To be nice to people not because they are, but because you are.


This could be the greatest lesson I have ever learned from my grandmother. Perhaps my whole family even.

DECORUM: the case of the old acquaintance

I'm so glad I finally "ran into" a new case study for my decorum post series.

Today I was in the same room as an old acquaintance. We were actually friends at one point in time, but that was a very long time ago. I'm going to refer to her as OA (Old Acquaintance).

In the past, whenever I'd run into OA I'd naturally say hi. Sometimes when I'd pass by her somewhere I never get the chance to greet her, because it seems she's not looking in my direction. I never really thought any of it. Well now we're in the same class!  I was there first and she walked in later. She didn't say hi or even look at me!

Hmm... Did she not recognize me or wasn't she paying attention to the people in the room? Or was she ignoring me? I looked over at her direction a few times in an effort to smile at her, but my efforts failed; she didn't even glance at me once!

I won't jump into assumptions, you never know if someone is having a bad day. You never really know what a person is going through, so it's a bad idea to label people instantly!  And anyways, just because people aren't nice doesn't mean thet you should be too!

Plan of action:
Next time I see OA I am going to: 1. Say "Hi OA" ;  2. Give her a compliment  ; 3. Start a converstation (not necessarily the same day). We'll see how it goes from there!



ALWAYS try to greet people you know. At least acknowledge  their presence with a smile. If you ignore people they might think that they are not important enough for you to greet them, or worse they might think that you don't think they might recognize you because you've got 0 self esteem!




"True politeness consists in being easy one's self, and in making every one about one as easy as one can." - Alexander Pope



For the first post of this series including why I started it, click here.

WISE WORDS: Quotes on behaving with class and decorum

All that talk about decorum made me research famous people's thoughts on the subject. Here's my pick on what they had to say:


"Good manners will open doors that the best education cannot." - Clarence Thomas

"A man's manners are a mirror in which he shows his portrait." - Von Goethe

"I have a respect for manners as such, they are a way of dealing with people you don't agree with or like." - Margret Mead

"The only real elegance is in the mind; if you've got that, the rest really comes from it." - Diana Vreeland

"A truly elegant taste is generally accompanied with excellency of heart." - Henry Fielding

"I will only say now that elegance must be the right combination of distinction, naturalness, care, and simplicity. Outside this, believe me, there is no elegance. Only pretension." - Christian Dior

"Luxury lies not in richness and ornateness but in the absence of vulgarity. - Coco Chanel

"Politeness is the art of choosing among one's real thoughts." - Abel Stevens

"Whoever one is, and wherever one is, one is always in the wrong if one is rude."  - Maurice Baring

"Life be not so short but that there is always time for courtesy."  - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength."  - Eric Hoffer


A little humor:

THE ART OF DECORUM

Decorum is defined as "good taste in conduct or appearance" and "the conventions of polite behavior."

It is closely linked to etiquette. This topic is of great interest to me. I'm not saying that my behavior in all situations is the  finest, but I truly try to behave with class and grace. For those who have tried to do so, you probably know it is very very hard!

So I'll start a series of posts about certain situations I've been through, and how I have behaved in those circumstances. Hopefully through these posts I (and you) will be able to learn from those experiences. Maybe even do it better next time.

Why you might ask.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said "it's better to light a candle than to curse the darkness." Instead of complaining of other peoples behavior, I am taking a step forward. I am going to share my feelings, trials, and findings on manners and decorum on my blog. Trying to change the world one post at a time.

Because style isn't just about wearing that pair of shoes or doing your hair in a certain way. It is about how you carry yourself. How you behave. Most importantly how you make others feel. Maya Angelou once said: “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Speaking of feelings! Something happened today that I think is a suitable experience to start off this series of posts.

One of my friends (probably with good intentions) invited to me a party she was invited to. The host of the party however is someone who I am not on good terms with.

Let's rewind three-four of years back: my friend (let's call her x) introduced me to that girl (let's call her y). We didn't become friends, just acquaintances. I said hi to her whenever I ran into her and we'd only engage in small talk. Over time, Y started getting sweeter, however with that sweetness came a certain physical act. She would push me (yes literary) but be so sweet in that "oops I didn't mean to/I was just messing around/I totally secretly mean it" way. At first I let it slide, then it started happening more often and in the most of public places. I even pushed her back a few times while remaining as sweet as she was (she used hug me when she greeted me!!). Anyways this little game carried on for a while, until the day a very close and mutual friend told me about a few things Y was saying about me behind my back. I was furious but didn't say anything (I wasn't really assertive back then). A while later X told me that Y says my voice gets on her nerves. Then that was it! All the signs were crystal clear that Y hated me!  I had a few theories on why she did but, I never really asked. One day, I confronted her. I remember telling her to stop with the silly games and we should act civil as long as we had a mutual friend. She didn't have much to say, and she kind of ignored my presence. Over the years she'd only say hi to me if our mutual friend X was present. Whenever I'd see her somewhere, she would act as if her mobile phone's screen was very interesting!

Anyways back to the present! I declined my friend's offer which I hope she understands. She was trying to convince me by telling me that Y has changed. I really have forgiven Y for whatever she said/did to me in the past. But as Maya Angelou was saying, I can still remember how she made me feel. Knowing someone hates you for no clear reason does not generate positive feelings.In addition to that, other mutual friends did not step in, and I didn't want to offend X that was the main reason I did confront Y from the begining. There are a lot of negative feelings associated with that conflict. Although I got over it a long time ago, it is best I stay clear of that atmosphere. The fact X still likes to believe Y had no fault offends me a little. But the past is in the past; and it is always better to forgive and forget.

Lessons to be Learned:

- Always act with decorum even when people aren't same. It's the same rule as being nice to everyone - not because they are nice but because you are.

- Don't try to get even. I admit I did push Y a few times and in the end confronted it her, but what I am most proud of is that I did not stoop to her level (which would be starting a rumor or something of that sort).

- Confront people about how they are making you feel. Tell them it is not acceptable.

-Forgive and forget. When people let you down its better to forgive and foget. A great lesson my mother taught me is to always take in the good people have to offer and leave the negative things they may do to themselves (it sounds better in Arabic!).

- Avoid people who generate negative feelings in you. They're not really worth it. The most important thing is that when given the chance to you behave with kindness and politeness regarding them.

- When people hate you; it is not your problem its theirs. Sarah Ivens wrote in one of her book about hatred. She says when people are being nasty to another person that doesn't mean he or she deserve being hated. The general reasons for hating another person are: 1- Jealousy (When someone feels the other person is better they react by trying to lower that person's self esteem). 2- Misery (Happy people don't have the time to be resentful, cruel, or evil to other people). 3- Attraction (In the way that little boys always pick on girls they secretly like).

 

Keep it classy ;)