Toxic Waste

I have once said that some people are just toxic waste.

No one wants to be around toxic people or even to have a toxic friends. HOWEVER > In a survey by SELF magazine, 8 out of 10 people said they have endured a toxic friendship. What about you?

Do you have a toxic friend?

I think I've encountered my share of toxic people. Here's my very own guide on how to spot them.


1- Competition Crazed 
This friend seems to be always competing with you even when you don't know it. She competes for mutual friend's approval, academic/professional praise, and other people's attention. She almost never congratulates you on any job well done, and she will never share her accomplishments either - well only if she thinks they'll overshadow yours!
Most likely to say: "well if it weren't for you I would've gotten that...."
Most likely to do: Speak over you whenever you're telling people of your latest success no matter how small.



2- The Critic

Whenever you've got a new idea, this friend is the first one to tell you why and how it wouldn't work. If you talk about things you like, she's the one who's going to pin-point what is wrong with what you said. It doesn't stop there because to her everything about you is worth criticizing: hair, clothes, job, the way you talk.....  At first, you might think that she really knows better. However, with time you'll notice that no matter what you say or do she'll find faults in that. Some start doing this indirectly as a joke, others are vicious from the start.

Most likely to say:  "Oh a9lan....... [ACTUALLY]"

Most likely to do: Get annoyed (it shows) when they've got nothing to criticize or are proven wrong.

3- User Not-friendly!

She expects you to be a good friends, but doesn't expect that of herself. She might criticize you for something and expects you not be upset because as she says that's what good friends are for. Yet, come next week when she does something you criticize and she doesn't like it! She expects you to go out with her when she's free and you're not. However, next time she's busy she'll refuse to go out with you because of her "prior engagements". An extreme form of this type of friend will hang out with you when her other friends aren't available, but ditch you the moment they're there.Wake up! She's using you.

Most likely to say: "It's not that I didn't want to tell you.... but it was all very unexpected."

Most likely to do: Get mad at you for doing the same things she does.

4- Miss Green with Envy

She's the master of passive aggressiveness, especially when it's directed at you. You might say she's an extreme version of the competition crazed, but for her it's not only about the competition. She doesn't want to compete - she just wants it all for herself. She will compliment your clothes because she wants to know where you got them from. But other than that don't expect any more compliments. She often asks herself out loud: how come you get to have this or that and I don't. Believe me, it happened!

Most likely to say: "I wanted to something exactly like that! but I didn't/couldn't get it."

Most likely to do: Not tell/show you what she has been planning to do/wear/say - why? Psychologists call that projecting your own feelings upon others. This means she may genuinely believe you envy her too.

5- Gossip Girl (xoxo?)

This friends knows everything about everyone, and what she has to say isn't pretty. It's not about sharing harmless gossip, this is the kind of person who spills secrets and breaks promises. You might wonder what she says about you behind your back, because she probably is! Although past experiences and "tongue-slips" have taught you not trust her, somehow she manages to make you do!

Most likely to say: I won't tell anyone. Don't worry!!"

Most likely to do: Think who would want to know this piece of information and text them immediately. 

You might find these toxic qualities in a friend to some extent. Sometimes one or more of these can exist within one person. They are inspired by people I know and some by friends of friends I've heard about. Still this doesn't answer the question: what to do once you've spotted a toxic friend??

To be continued - How to deal with toxic waste?

WISE WORDS: on friendship

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."

- C.S Lewis (1898 - 1963) - academic, novelist best known for The Chronicles of Narnia

I have been so busy with school and everything, that I haven't seen my friends in a very long time. It was good seeing everyone and catching up! Having people around you to relate to and have fun with is the most amazing thing ever. Friendship may be unnecessary but it is really valuable!  

THE ART OF DECORUM

Decorum is defined as "good taste in conduct or appearance" and "the conventions of polite behavior."

It is closely linked to etiquette. This topic is of great interest to me. I'm not saying that my behavior in all situations is the  finest, but I truly try to behave with class and grace. For those who have tried to do so, you probably know it is very very hard!

So I'll start a series of posts about certain situations I've been through, and how I have behaved in those circumstances. Hopefully through these posts I (and you) will be able to learn from those experiences. Maybe even do it better next time.

Why you might ask.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said "it's better to light a candle than to curse the darkness." Instead of complaining of other peoples behavior, I am taking a step forward. I am going to share my feelings, trials, and findings on manners and decorum on my blog. Trying to change the world one post at a time.

Because style isn't just about wearing that pair of shoes or doing your hair in a certain way. It is about how you carry yourself. How you behave. Most importantly how you make others feel. Maya Angelou once said: “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Speaking of feelings! Something happened today that I think is a suitable experience to start off this series of posts.

One of my friends (probably with good intentions) invited to me a party she was invited to. The host of the party however is someone who I am not on good terms with.

Let's rewind three-four of years back: my friend (let's call her x) introduced me to that girl (let's call her y). We didn't become friends, just acquaintances. I said hi to her whenever I ran into her and we'd only engage in small talk. Over time, Y started getting sweeter, however with that sweetness came a certain physical act. She would push me (yes literary) but be so sweet in that "oops I didn't mean to/I was just messing around/I totally secretly mean it" way. At first I let it slide, then it started happening more often and in the most of public places. I even pushed her back a few times while remaining as sweet as she was (she used hug me when she greeted me!!). Anyways this little game carried on for a while, until the day a very close and mutual friend told me about a few things Y was saying about me behind my back. I was furious but didn't say anything (I wasn't really assertive back then). A while later X told me that Y says my voice gets on her nerves. Then that was it! All the signs were crystal clear that Y hated me!  I had a few theories on why she did but, I never really asked. One day, I confronted her. I remember telling her to stop with the silly games and we should act civil as long as we had a mutual friend. She didn't have much to say, and she kind of ignored my presence. Over the years she'd only say hi to me if our mutual friend X was present. Whenever I'd see her somewhere, she would act as if her mobile phone's screen was very interesting!

Anyways back to the present! I declined my friend's offer which I hope she understands. She was trying to convince me by telling me that Y has changed. I really have forgiven Y for whatever she said/did to me in the past. But as Maya Angelou was saying, I can still remember how she made me feel. Knowing someone hates you for no clear reason does not generate positive feelings.In addition to that, other mutual friends did not step in, and I didn't want to offend X that was the main reason I did confront Y from the begining. There are a lot of negative feelings associated with that conflict. Although I got over it a long time ago, it is best I stay clear of that atmosphere. The fact X still likes to believe Y had no fault offends me a little. But the past is in the past; and it is always better to forgive and forget.

Lessons to be Learned:

- Always act with decorum even when people aren't same. It's the same rule as being nice to everyone - not because they are nice but because you are.

- Don't try to get even. I admit I did push Y a few times and in the end confronted it her, but what I am most proud of is that I did not stoop to her level (which would be starting a rumor or something of that sort).

- Confront people about how they are making you feel. Tell them it is not acceptable.

-Forgive and forget. When people let you down its better to forgive and foget. A great lesson my mother taught me is to always take in the good people have to offer and leave the negative things they may do to themselves (it sounds better in Arabic!).

- Avoid people who generate negative feelings in you. They're not really worth it. The most important thing is that when given the chance to you behave with kindness and politeness regarding them.

- When people hate you; it is not your problem its theirs. Sarah Ivens wrote in one of her book about hatred. She says when people are being nasty to another person that doesn't mean he or she deserve being hated. The general reasons for hating another person are: 1- Jealousy (When someone feels the other person is better they react by trying to lower that person's self esteem). 2- Misery (Happy people don't have the time to be resentful, cruel, or evil to other people). 3- Attraction (In the way that little boys always pick on girls they secretly like).

 

Keep it classy ;)